Category: Training

The wall climb is among the most demanding manoeuvres in the pursuit repertoire. It begins with a run of at least 4 metres, a firm push off the floor and a short but committed sequence in which the operator is, for a moment, horizontal.

Do not attempt a wall climb on a wall with a picture on it. Do not attempt it on a painted surface that has not dried. Do not attempt it on the day after a bath.

The record is held by Private Mustard, who ascended 4 feet 9 inches before gravity intervened. His achievement is commemorated in our Hall of Fame by a small framed paw print, hung at a convenient height.

The sofa is the primary theatre of operations for any domestic campaign. It offers cover, elevation and a number of escape routes, including the arm, the back and the gap between the cushions that contains a coin and an unknown stain.

Approach from the left. Use the arm as a staging post and the cushion as a launchpad. Maintain a low profile. When the dot appears on the wall, strike hard, return and pretend you were doing something else.

Common errors include overextending, slipping on the throw and hitting the lamp. The lamp is not a target. The lamp is a hostile bystander.

Successful pursuit begins with pattern recognition. We have catalogued the dot’s six principal movements for the benefit of all operators.

• The Skitter: fast, linear, ends at a skirting board.
• The Orbit: a slow circle around a chair leg that is clearly a trap.
• The Freeze: the dot stops. Do not trust the freeze.
• The Wall Climb: the dot ascends a vertical surface in defiance of all known physics.
• The Under: the dot slips beneath furniture and mocks you.
• The Vanish: the dot is gone. Your human has turned the pointer off. Weep.