Category: Company News

This weekend only, orders that include a Stealth Crinkle Tunnel will ship free of charge anywhere in the domestic region. The offer runs from Saturday at 0800 to Sunday at 2000 hours, and applies to the 6 foot model only.

The offer has been made possible by a favourable freight agreement with a courier named Dolores, who owes us a favour regarding a sock. She has agreed to carry as many tunnels as she can fit in the van and then, if she is able, a few more.

Terms apply. No tunnels will be shipped with a cat inside, unless the cat has been properly declared.

From 1 November, Laser Dot Supply Co. will move to winter operating hours. The Operations Centre will open at 0700 and close at 1900. The 1330 stand down will be extended by 90 minutes to allow for a deeper stretch and a mid afternoon doze.

The warehouse will remain heated at 22 degrees at all times. Staff are reminded that the heating is for the stock and that sitting directly on the heating duct is for stock only, which includes Corporal Dumpling.

Customers can place orders at any time online. Orders received after 1900 will be handled when the Watch Officer wakes.

Laser Dot Supply Co. reports third quarter revenue of $412,000, an increase of 14 percent on the previous quarter. Customer satisfaction rose to 91 percent. Dots caught remained at zero, a figure the Board described as consistent.

The strongest sellers were the Dot Engine Pro, with 2,640 units sold, and the Stealth Crinkle Tunnel, with 3,100. Returns were mostly connected to the tunnels, which are returned by customers who have lost the cat inside.

The Board declared a dividend of 3 cents per share, payable in tuna, and thanked the staff for their hard work, their loyalty and their frequent absence.

The Autumn Catalogue is here. It features 64 pages, 212 products and a cover photograph of a dot on a wall, which our editor describes as haunting. This season’s highlights include the Dot Engine Pro, the Recon Drone Feather Wand and the new Ambush Corner Stakeout Pod.

Also introduced are Leaf Pile Assault Boots, a set of four small shoes that make a crackling noise and have been tested on no cats at all. We are seeking volunteers.

The catalogue is available in print, as a download and, for operators who prefer a tactile experience, as a cardboard box with the catalogue taped inside it.

Customers may have noticed that the Recon Drone Feather Wand has been out of stock since last Tuesday. We would like to explain. A shipment of 2,400 wands arrived on 18 August. By the evening of the 19th, 2,311 of them had been taken by staff for what Corporal Dumpling described as quality control.

Investigation found that the remaining 89 units were being used as a bed. We have placed a new order and appointed an independent inspector, who is a dog, to oversee the warehouse.

Restocking is expected within ten working days. We apologise for the delay and for the feathers.

Laser Dot Supply Co. is pleased to announce the opening of our second distribution hub, located next to the main radiator at the Hallway Drive facility. The new hub will increase our dispatch capacity by 35 percent and reduce delivery times to the sofa by 40 minutes.

Warehouse Manager Corporal Dumpling will oversee operations. He has pledged to maintain a clean floor, an accurate inventory and a warm environment, in that order, though in practice he will do them in reverse.

A grand opening ceremony will be held on Friday. Complimentary salmon will be served and promptly lost.